Anne Palumbo: ‘Shopping' no longer a wimpy hobby

You heard it here first: Holiday shopping may soon become an Olympic sport.

After years of hard work to get "shopping" recognized by the International Olympic Committee, representatives of this strenuous activity are thrilled to announce its contender status.

"It hasn't been easy," said an unknown source in charge of Markdowns. "So many see 'shopping' as a hobby or a pastime or a walk in the park. To that I say, 'Ha! You haven't seen my shoppers during peak training season.'"

Peak training season, as many know, begins on Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, and ends sometime in January, after the last bagged-out cardigan with no buttons finds an owner.

"We met the committee's opposition head on," said someone in charge of Undergarments, "and, by golly - if there's not a huge Jockey sale going on in August - I think you'll see us in Beijing."

Here are the tough questions that the International Shopping Federation Secretary General had to answer:

Question: "Shoppers aren't true athletes. Where's the skill? Where's the dedication? Where's the sacrifice?"

Reply: "Are you kidding me? Let's take the eve of Black Friday, for instance, when the 'real' games begin. You think it's easy to wait in line on Thanksgiving night? In the freezing cold? With a belly full of undigested turkey and no bathrooms in sight? No, it takes guts and determination, a desire to win that transcends common sense. Common sense would put you at home on this special day. But a competitive shopper has no sense. They're driven to land a laptop for half the going price even if it means missing out on quality time with loved ones. And forgoing that second slice of pumpkin pie with real whipped topping? It brings tears to my eyes just to think about it."

Question: "But, come on, how does one train for something like that?"

Reply: "It's not easy, to be sure. Physically, a shopper must be able to do the impossible: Stand for hours on end with strangers who get stranger as the night wears on, withstand harsh weather conditions that turn extremities white, and hold a bladder that grows to the size of a tennis bubble. To train, we ask competitors (a.k.a. shop-a-letes) to attend football games during blizzards, where they must drink gobs of beer and refrain from using the bathrooms. Mentally, shop-a-letes need to stay focused, despite the line-budging and the very sad fact that they are spending Thanksgiving night outside a discount store in the bitter cold with rosemary stuck in their teeth. To train, we ask competitors not to think about it. Otherwise, the stark reality of what they're doing might drive them over the edge."

Question: "But what's the goal?"

Reply: "You make me laugh! The goal is to grab as many goods as possible for the lowest price listed!"

Question: "How would we stage such an event?"

Reply: "We would stock a stadium full of drastically reduced electronics and then alert our shop-a-letes to the titillating event via colorful flyers. They could show up whenever, depending on their shopping strategy. Trust me, the spectator tickets to this event would sell out in record time!"

Question: "Okay, but what about the 'meaning' of the holiday that accompanies all this aggressive shopping. Shouldn't we factor that in somehow? To bring a little sentiment to the event?"

Reply: "Are you a comedian? Ho, ho, ho. You are too funny. Sentiment? That went out with the advent of 'door-buster specials'!"

Anne Palumbo writes this weekly column for Messenger Post Newspapers. E-mail: avpalumbo@aol.com.