Mike Nadel: It's Turkey time, and who's the biggest turkey of them all?
You know, it seems like only yesterday that Michael McCaskey was ruining the Chicago Bears. How time flies when we're having fun "honoring" the bums of the sports world every Thanksgiving.
Back in 1998 -- even before his mommy sent him to his room (and stripped him of the team presidency) -- McCaskey had so messed up Papa Bear Halas' once-proud franchise that I had little choice but to make him my first Turkey of the Year.
Is it really possible that I've already reached my 10th annual countdown of sports' top losers, louses and lunkheads?
Yes, it is ... and here's hoping that, somewhere, the late Gene Seymour is smiling. As always, I dedicate this endeavor to my absent friend (and predecessor in this job), who long ago began this tasty Turkey Day tradition.
Past recipients: Aramis Ramirez (2006); Andy MacPhail, Jim Hendry and Dusty Baker (2005); Sammy Sosa (2004); Sosa (2003); Dick Jauron (2002); Frank Thomas and David Wells (2001); Bobby Knight (2000); Jerry Krause (1999); McCaskey (1998).
Keep in mind that although I do think nationally, I am based in Chicago, and my focus is more regional. Now let's get right to this year's not-so-fab 15:
15. KELVIN SAMPSON and BILL BELICHICK. Wait ... cheaters aren't supposed to prosper, right?
14. BEN GORDON and BEN WALLACE. Little Ben foolishly turned down the Bulls' $50 million offer. Big Ben accepted $60 million to play in Chicago but still pines for Detroit. These blundering Bens are just two reasons the team built by John Paxson and Scott Skiles is skidding.
13. JAMAR SMITH. Just because I advocated giving the Illini guard a second chance after his drunk-driving escapade last March, it doesn't mean his actions were excusable. Here's hoping he grows up as he sits out the season.
12. TANK JOHNSON. Little known fact: Tank was the Fifth Beatle. How else to explain the White Album hit, "Happiness Is a Warm Gun"?
11. RON TURNER, CEDRIC BENSON, BRIAN GRIESE, REX GROSSMAN, ETC. Yep, it sure is hard to believe the Bears have so many offensive problems.
10. TIM DONAGHY. An NBA ref on the take. Well, that explains why the Hawks, Clippers and Grizzlies rarely win.
9. NL CENTRAL MANAGERS. Jim Tracy (Pirates), Jerry Narron and Pete Mackanin (Reds) and Phil Garner (Astros) were fired. Tony La Russa (Cardinals) was cited for DUI in spring training and his season went downhill from there. Ned Yost (Brewers) failed with division's most talented team. And after winning Comedy Central by default, Lou Piniella (Cubs) was ripped nationally for poor decision-making as his team got swept out of the playoffs. Can't wait for '08!
8. ARAMIS RAMIREZ. Cementing his reputation as a choker, the Cubbie third baseman went 0-fer in the postseason. He and fellow "stars" Alfonso Soriano and Derrek Lee combined to drive in as many runs as you and I did.
7. BEARS LINEBACKERS. Lance Briggs backed down from his holdout and then crashed his Maserati. Brian Urlacher revealed he has an arthritic back condition, explaining why he's a shadow of his former self. And Hunter Hillenmeyer is, um, Hunter Hillenmeyer.
6. KEN WILLIAMS. The White Sox GM overvalued his youngsters, overpaid his oldsters, absolved Ozzie Guillen of responsibility and watched helplessly as his team crashed. Ah, but he'll always have 2005.
5. MICHAEL VICK. Mr. Dogfight gets to enjoy Thanksgiving with his new best friends in the Northern Neck Regional Jail. Now if only folks would be as outraged about athletes who abuse women and commit other crimes against humanity.
4. LOVIE SMITH. Sources say the truth-bending Bears coach was named not for his great aunt Lavana, as we've been told, but for Jon Lovitz, whose most famous Saturday Night Live character was pathological liar Tommy Flanagan. If Smith starts blaming losses on "my wife, Morgan Fairchild," we'll know Lovitz begat Lovie. Yeah, that's the ticket!
3. BARRY BONDS. Waaaaa! Everybody's picking on me! Just because I got jealous of Sammy and Mark and wanted to hit lots of homers myself, everybody hates me! OK, so I got some "help" ... so what? Everybody does it! Nobody ever talks about the pitchers juicing! It's only Barry, Barry, Barry! Only racists didn't want me to break Hank Aaron's record! What? Hank's black, too? See? You pick on everything I say! Waaaaa!
2. MICHAEL BARRETT. The hotheaded catcher finally punched his ticket out of Cubbieland when he put his face in front of several Carlos Zambrano haymakers. He ended up in San Diego, where the Padres quickly discovered what it took the Cubs three-plus years to learn: Michael Barrett can't catch.
And now, the 2007 Turkey of the Year ... CHARLIE WEIS.
Remember when George O'Leary got in trouble (and quickly got fired) for submitting a false resume to Notre Dame?
Well, I don't want to say the current Fighting Irish football coach also tends to brag, but our crack investigative team has discovered these items under "NFL Experience" on Charlie's resume:
- Assistant coach, New England Patriots, 2000-04. Invented Tom Brady. Taught Bill Belichick how to interpret video of opposing sideline. Won three Super Bowls by giving team "decided schematic advantage" -- and I guarantee same advantage for ND.
- Assistant coach, New York Jets, 1997-99. Invented Wayne Chrebet. Introduced Bill Parcells to NutriSystem. Helped Rudy Giuliani eliminate crime in New York City.
- Assistant coach, New England Patriots, 1993-96. Invented Ben Coates. Popularized forward pass in NFL. Won '94 Great Chowdah Cookoff.
- Assistant coach, New York Giants, 1990-92. Invented Lawrence Taylor. Designed Super Bowl ring. Turned New Jersey into The Garden State.
Wow! We should have known such an accomplished man would be able to guide the 2007 Irish to a 2-9 record -- including impressive near-victories against Navy, Air Force, the Merchant Marines and Brownie Troop 406.
"I don't want to be called sarcastic," Weis said after last month's 38-0 home loss to USC, "so let me just say people better enjoy it now, have their fun now."
Humiliated but not humbled, Weis already has updated his resume:
- Head coach, Notre Dame, 2005-? Invented Brady Quinn. Led team to two BCS bowls (scores unavailable). Won zero big games but still duped ND honchos into forking over 10-year, multizillion-dollar contract extension.
Mike Nadel (mikenadel@sbcglobal.net) is the Chicago sports columnist for GateHouse News Service. Read his blog, The Baldest Truth, at www.thebaldesttruth.com <http://www.thebaldesttruth.com> .