Elizabeth Davies: If women ran the NFL ...

Up until a few years ago, football was nothing more than a game that tied up the television on Sunday afternoons.

It was long, tedious and confusing. The game clock would start, three seconds would pass, and the clock would stop again with 12 guys lying in a pile on top of each other.

There wasn't even much of an upside: For every running back's rear end that looked good in those tight little pants, there were five linemen's rear ends that shouldn't have gone anywhere near spandex.

That was football in my single days, when I could turn the channel without launching the equivalent of a nuclear missile in my living room.

And early into my marriage, I implemented this peacekeeping measure: I decided to become legitimately interested in at least one of my husband's hobbies. He also enjoyed working in the garage, racing old cars and competitive mountain biking.

Since we watched football indoors on a comfy couch, surrounded by snacks and beer, I quickly deemed it my hobby of choice.

Still, after four seasons of diligently watching Packers games, I think the sport could use some improvements. If women ran the National Football League, I believe the following rules would go into effect:

Rule No. 1: All hair hanging outside the helmet is free to be pulled. This is especially the case for dreadlocks.

Rule No. 2: Regulation footballs must be at least the size of a watermelon. Any smaller and it's too hard to see while it's flying through the air.

Rule No. 3: No one is allowed to run the ball straight into a pack of players. It's impossible to tell what's going on when they do that.

Rule No. 4: Two minutes of play cannot possibly be dragged out over the course of 45 minutes. We've got laundry to do, dinner to cook and kids to bathe - let's get a move on!

Rule No. 5: Everyone gets a turn to play. That poor second-string quarterback practices every day, but doesn't get to hit the field once the regular season hits. I'm sure his mother would like to see him get to play more.

Rule No. 6: Each player must wear a helmet that is securely fastened to the head with something more than a plastic chin strap. We don't like seeing naked heads bouncing around out there.

Rule No. 7: No one can even try to sneak a peek at the other team's plays - and it's actually going to be enforced.

Rule No. 8: This is also known as the Charlie Brown rule. Should a kicker miss the ball - or the holder drop the ball - there's an automatic do-over. We all make mistakes now and then.

Rule No. 9: A touchdown is called whenever the ball crosses the line, regardless of where the knee/elbow/toenail was at the time. It will spare us countless instant replays.

Rule No. 10: Timeouts can only be called during pre-planned commercial breaks.

Rule No. 11: Games can't start until after church.

Rule No. 12: Linebackers must wear figure-flattering pants.

Quarterbacks, running backs and tight ends may remain in spandex.

Elizabeth Davies' column runs Thursdays in People of the Rock River Valley.