Family Matters: Ways to help a shy child become more comfortable
It's common enough to hear a parent say, "Oh, she's just being shy!" Many children are naturally slow to warm and may be mistakenly labeled as shy.
However, there is a considerable difference between a child who is quiet or cautious and one who is reluctant and withdrawn, filled with fear, anxiety and continuously displaying signs of distress. Take a closer look to determine if your child is truly shy, or just typically slow to warm.
Parents often ask if being shy is a passing phase, or if they should encourage or push their child into uncomfortable situations.
The way in which we teach, respond and support each child will determine how well he or she will navigate everyday childhood experiences. Forcing a child into an uncomfortable situation is not recommended, because it may deepen unnecessary fears, build resentments and block communication.
The following 10 suggestions can help children develop the confidence and foundational skills they need to engage with others in order to feel good about themselves and develop healthy relationships.
THE TO-DO LIST
1 Build your child's confidence and self-esteem. Find an interest or talent that your child enjoys and does well. Share your enthusiasm and excitement with others in front of your child.
2 Say what you see, with the exact behavior. Make a big effort to let your child know how proud you are of even her smallest efforts and successes to build self-confidence in her own capabilities. Highlighting daily achievements are much more effective than empty compliments.
3 Build trust by finding supportive ways to correct any misbehavior. Teach with patience, rather than punishment or humiliation, which will lead to anger and resentment, as well as reinforce a lowered self-esteem.
4 Invite your clingy child to help you around the house with chores and activities. Reverse the roles, and use those opportunities to create a comfortable and trusting relationship; highlighting the many reasons you value his company.
5 Prepare your child for company or events, so he knows what to expect and what is expected of him. Let him know how loud or crowded it may be and how you will help him have fun. Feeling prepared often eliminates a great deal of anxiety.
6 Develop a signal for you and your child to use when he is uncomfortable. Let him know that he can leave the room for a drink of water or just take a quiet moment alone with you to re-set, whenever necessary. This emotional support will communicate that you care, and that you honor his feelings.
7 Help your child move from caution to comfortable by spending more time and attention in new environments. This will help your child learn to transition and adjust to new settings and people.
8 Be respectful by asking rather than expecting. Honor your child's feelings by asking privately if she would like to play the piano for grandma, or show off her new reading skills to grandpa. Don't beg, plead, negotiate or bribe. No matter what the answer, let your child know that she can change her mind and perform at any time.
If your child whispers, "I'm too shy," whisper right back, "I know you know how to do it!" Give a wink and a smile, and let it go!
9 Offer empathy without using the word "shy." Decide on an appropriate action and speak confidently with your plan. Say, "It looks like you are uncomfortable with all these other children. I will walk you in and introduce you to Johnny."
10 Post a "feelings face" emotions board on your refrigerator and use it often as a game. Move magnet pieces around to express your emotions, so your child understands that everyone has different feelings at different times.
Some other tips:
Don't label your child. Ever. Children believe what we say about them. Labeling gives a child the opportunity to avoid specific situations or behave in a certain way, because others have paved the way with excuses for him.
Don't speak for your child. Allow her to say what she needs to say, in her own time.
Consider professional supports. Contact your local mental health provider for more information. Some specialize in children and adolescents, and offer therapeutic groups to manage anxiety and fears, while helping to develop friendships, coping skills and other critical social skills.
Laugh, be silly and have fun together!
Diana Boggia, M.Ed., is a parenting coach who lives in Stark County, Ohio. She is author of "Parenting with a Purpose." Send your child-rearing questions to FamilyMatters@cantonrep.com or The Repository, c/o Family Matters, 500 Market Ave. S, Canton, OH 44702. Find parenting resources at her website, www.yourperfectchild.com.