Jeff Vrabel: It's time to crack down on karaoke

If I ran the country - which, despite what's now a yearslong Internet petition, I do not, mostly because of a bunch of arcane laws about qualifications and talent and not having been born in Burkina Faso - police would be called pretty much every time karaoke happened, just as a general preserving-the-peace kind of thing. On my first day in office, after installing Natalie Portman as Secretary of Hugging Me and, of course, getting rid of Idaho, I would establish a full-time Karaoke Defense Patrol, which I would talk about in perfectly normal terms, but which would really just be a thinly veiled revolutionary junta with a tendency toward overuse of force and quick bursts of rage, like all those steroided-up baseball players.