What's Your Sign?

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Though the Cubs will win the World Series this year, you still won't see them win in your lifetime.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): C'mon, go for it - I dare you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A bridal shower in your future will have fatal consequences.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22- Jan. 19): That "great business idea" you had last night at the bar has already been done. Ever heard of Netflix?

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The new guy at work will turn out to be the most annoying mofo you've ever met. Start avoiding him now.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Anyone can go to college, but how many can get kicked out of one spectacularly? You now have a goal.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): That trip to the grocery store will only end in identity theft. On the bright side, you'll look so hot if you only drink tap water and smoke cigarettes.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): No, MTV will not let you try out for "Made" this weekend since you're, like, 30. You should have made something of yourself by now.

GEMINI (May 21-June 21): You'll do something really stupid after believing some lame horoscope you read somewhere.

CANCER (June 22-July 22): It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Be more aware of breasts, Cancer.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You're going to get a lot of action this year because of your Halloween costume.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I am just too damn tired to give you a reading this week. Figure it out yourself.

- Madam Lisa