Step-grandparenting: Creating good relationships
Any new relationship brings some changes to the current family dynamics. When your son or daughter marries (or moves in with) someone who has a child from a previous relationship, this adjustment process includes your new role as a step-grandparent.
Simultaneously, your step-grandkids may be adjusting to a new neighborhood, school and house, while your own child is adjusting to being a stepparent.
"Those who find themselves in this new role (step-grandparents) recognize that they face a potentially awkward situation as they work to find their place in the family," writes Julie Baumgardner, a contributing author to Stepfamilies.com, a publication of the Stepping Stones Counseling Center in Ridgewood, New Jersey.
While all these changes can seem daunting, you can make things easier with some savvy planning, open communication and by remaining confident in the strength of your family bond. Eight years ago, Joseph Webster of Danvers, became a step-grandfather. Today, he says: "Everyone is close and we know that we share a certain love and spirit."
Here are some particular tips that may help you transition to your new role:
1. Realize you're not alone: According to Stepfamilies.com, up to 33 percent of Americans 65 or older are now step-grandparents. And, if you feel ambivalent about your new role or it is not unfolding according to your dreams or wishes, don't just suffer or worry in silence. Reach out and ask for advice or input on how to navigate this new territory (see Resource List).
2. Prepare: Before that first family meeting or gathering, take time out to really assess how you feel about your new role. What are your own expectations being a step-grandparent? Hopes? Fears? How might this relationship differ from that with your biological grandchildren? Are there things or assumptions you must address and learn to let go of?
3. You're unique: As the step-grandparent, your role is not the same as anyone else's-including the biological grandparents or any other adults in the child's life. You will bring your own talents, skills and emotional input to this new relationship. Be proud of that and know that nobody else can be you.
4. Communicate: Beth Chariton of Walpole, has three children aged 12, 10 and 7. "Grandma Sue," the children's step-grandmother, lives in South Carolina, traveling north with her husband (Beth's Dad) three times a year to see the kids. In between those interstate trips, Sue maintains contact with "special little touches." For example, Sue sends real cotton to her Massachusetts-based grandkids, something they can bring to school for show and tell.
For near or faraway step-grandkids, ask your son or daughter how he envisions your role in his new family. Are there "special touches" that you can bring or send? And, of course, ensure that you always treat biological and step grandkids equally.
5. Set realistic expectations: According to the Stepfamily Association of America, it takes five to seven years for step-families to build a true bond with non-biological children. So realize that it's not going to be an instant bond with your step-grandchild. Believe in yourself. Resolve to do what you can today, and don't worry about tomorrow or next summer's family vacation.
6. Don't take it personally: Your son or daughter may be a little distracted or overwhelmed by the upcoming wedding, a new house-move and his impending new role as a step-parent to a child who may or may not resent his parents' divorce and this new marriage. If it seems like there's suddenly less time for you, it's probably not personal. Stay involved and busy with your own life, relationship, hobbies and work.
7. Go simple for that first meeting: For that first meet-and-greet with the new grandkids, it's best to plan a simple, do-able agenda with an easy meal plan. Keep it small and intimate, not a huge back yard picnic with extended family and neighbors. And, by working with the parents, you can schedule it at a non-competing time when everyone is relaxed. Ask ahead about food preferences or allergies. And again, keep your expectations realistic and believe in yourself. Says Joseph Webster of Danvers: "We often share weekends together, either just cooking out or poolside in our back yard."
8. Building the bond: Sue, the step-grandmother who lives in South Carolina, always remembers holidays - including Hanukah for her Jewish step-grandchildren, though Sue herself is Christian. She also tries to visit around each of their birthdays - not always the exact day, but close enough so the children associate this visit with their special occasion. Children remember these heartfelt gestures. Ask about school, friends, hobbies. Share your own interests and passions. Send a card or a short e-mail to let a step-grandchild know you're thinking about him today.
9. Holiday-season: Many families spend the winter holidays trying to meet competing in-law commitments - and trying to live up to that Hallmark version of the perfect family holiday. Be patient. This is a great time to build some new holiday traditions with the new grandchildren in your life. Bring your own interests and skills to this occasion; such as starting a new holiday photo album or some music, art and craft-making traditions.
10. Know and communicate your own limits: Many families have different expectations about what's acceptable behavior. If your step-grandchild treats you badly, have a timely conversation with that child, and, if necessary, with the parents. List specific behaviors, avoiding generalities such as "they always ignore me." Explore how you can work together to build a relationship based on mutual affection and respect.
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