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Posted July 26, 2007 11:00 pm

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):

Buying those golf clubs for your wife might have been a mistake. Now you must apologize for everything you ever did or gum food for the rest of your life.VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be an effective means of retaliation for you.LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The harvest moon in Libra means change is coming. You'll find out exactly what that means Sunday afternoon.SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You will be beaten to death in public for ridiculing Barry Manilow's greatest hits collection.SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Pain and despair will enter your life next week in the form of twin daughters.CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your popularity at parties will get a boost thanks to your ability to pick up radio stations with the new metal plate in your head.AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The stars indicate that you need to be more sensitive. Try spraying yourself with Mace.PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): If the stars' advice has failed to bring you unending wealth and happiness, it's only because you suck at life.ARIES (March 21-April 19): Earth magicks are strong in Aries this week, indicating you should really start showering more often.TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You will be dismantled and sold for scrap this week when the government declares the Taurus Project a total failure.GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Congress will next week approve the creation of a 51st state - Douchebaggia - specifically for you.CANCER (June 21-July 22):- Madam Sarah, GO TeamDon't let the lazy days of summer keep you from completing your last will and testament by 4:49 p.m. Monday.

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