Help youngsters tell the truth without fear

Many children have difficulty taking ownership of their mistakes. Children commonly deny wrongdoing or blame a sibling, which I refer to as The Blame Game. 

“I didn’t do it,” “It’s his fault, he made me do it,” or “It wasn’t my fault, he pushed me first” are fairly typical responses from young children. Sometimes a little fib requires an explanation, and then a child finds himself in the position of weaving a story around what becomes a grand lie. 

At that point it may become too difficult for children to admit their mistakes and tell the truth because they are afraid of the repercussions from their lies. Children can become comfortable with blaming or lying, because it’s easier than getting into trouble, or sometimes because a lie sounds better than the truth.

Feeling safe enough to tell the truth is a wonderful feeling. We can make it easier for our children to do that by teaching them that if they make a mistake, they can always “come back,” admit the mistake, tell the real story, and we won’t be angry with them. In fact, we will be pleased that they did “come back” to be honest. Allowing a child to come back without fear of punishment provides a feeling of safety and comfort, which helps them to be more successful in telling the truth.

Parents often ask how to get their preschoolers to tell the truth. There are so many wonderful books that can be followed up with light conversations about the importance of trust and the truth. Recognizing or rewarding a child with verbal praise each time they are accurate or truthful will reinforce the behavior that we want: the truth.

I’ve been working with a family who has a 9-year-old who lies about many things throughout each day, many of which are insignificant pieces of information. Her parents are very concerned that she has become a habitual liar, and they feel the need to question everything. She isn’t trusted and her word holds no value. Nothing they’ve tried has made a difference.

I suggested that they try to break the cycle and teach her how good it feels to tell the truth, by teaching her the “come back.” Using the term the “come back” makes it less threatening for a child to implement the actual tool: the opportunity to return without fear.

Shortly after their initial introduction of the “Come Back,” she was questioned by her dad about an obvious lie. He told her that it was difficult to believe what she was saying, so perhaps she might want to think it over and use the “come back.” Not long after, she returned and reported that she hadn’t told the truth.

Falling into old patterns, her dad could have admonished then punished her for lying, but he didn’t. He was delighted that she had chosen to tell him the truth, and she had done so because she knew that she would be safe and not punished. They worked together and were successful. He told her how proud he was that she came back to tell the truth and asked her about her feelings. She was pleased with herself that she had come back to tell the truth.

I warned that she may continue to lie, as that is what she has been doing for years and has become comfortable with it. However, each time she does tell the truth and is recognized for it, she is another step closer to earning everyone’s trust.

— Diana Boggia, M.Ed., is a parenting educator in Stark County, Ohio, whose column appears weekly in The Repository. Send your child-rearing questions to FamilyMatters@cantonrep.com or The Repository, c/o Family Matters, 500 Market Ave. S, Canton, Ohio 44702. This column is the opinion of the writer and not of the newspaper.